31 July, 2009

a renewal: in rambling form.

well i forgot i had this account, it's been about a year since i've written in it, and it just so happens that i have so muchhhh to say, but i don't know if i have enough patience to write right now.

some of today's happenings:
  • i curled my hair and wore green (2 of my fave things)
  • liz and i were adventurous while dining in the caf
  • i enjoyed a lemon jawbreaker in the shower tonight
  • i stepped in mud twice
  • forgot to go to choir class this evening; it's a mon night class--i'll have to wait till nxt week to try again
  • i realized that all of my night shirts are some shade of blue
  • talked with katie on skype!
  • wasted yet another 30 min of my afternoon researching my odd obsession of lady gaga
  • working out is paying off
  • tx gov got cancelled for wed! 
  • by choice, i had a soy latte. i absolutely loved it

it has rained since friday. May i just say, i am in love with the rain, as long as i'm not directly in it. To sleep with the feet of little droplets dancing on my windows, the way it lightly flows with the wind so daintily, and how it never fails to make a muddy earth in which in never fail to miss stepping in. those things, i do enjoy. I pat myself on the back for enduring all this with an open mind, for in the end, today in fact, I felt change! It was like the rain was washing away summer, bringing us into fall. Oh the beloved breeze, the cool air that as time wears on, begins to bite my cheeks. The turning of the leaves, the whitening of my already pale skin, the chapped lips, scarves to be pulled out of the closet, and jackets to be worn. freezing nights when all i wanna do is cuddle, a bike adventure that leaves me feeling crisp and ready for yet another mile. Ah God! you are so wonderful! the seasons?? ok, awesome.
on the topic of His wonder. This past week, God has just really laid some simple truths on my heart. Truths like not judging my neighbor. Truths like simply being love. Truths like setting others above myself. Truths like God is Creator. He is Elohim. He is Yhwh. He is Lord God. He is Father. He is all powerful, imminent, yet still so intimate. That is my God. All week everything in my devotional, everything i've learned in Old Testament, everything I've sang at each church service Sunday morning, evening, at the BSM retreat--everything is linking together in such an awesome way. God is laying these simple truths upon my heart. I have found that the feeling of a stirred heart and spirit, and a renewed mind is something i have forgotten in the past year or so. Just when you think things are right in your walk, you realize how much you have lagged behind. Sin is cunning and oh so sly. I let my love of Christ become second to everything else in my life. My God is a jealous one. Who am i to let something or someone else so transient take a higher place? Who am i? My heart has been broken over and over each night. grace is a beauty.
This summer, better late than never, i learned what grace was. Just as God hardened Pharaoh's heart so that he would see that the Lord was above all else, God allows me to fall from my pedestal so that i come running back to Him. It's all in His will. Yes getting up on your high horse only to fall so far kinda sucks; to get so far down the road only to realize you're on the wrong path and must turn around is wearisome; but to find that even in such a state as that, God wants me back. He wants me to sit at His feet and learn from Him. What an awesome God. There is so much in my head, and so much on my heart. The things I have learned in the scheme of a couple of months is beyond me. It was when I was vulnerable, lost, broken, down on my knees in despair, that Christ beckoned me. He never fails. God you are so good.

Let yourself become vulnerable.